The Project

I can’t believe you’re gone.

My heart is in pieces. My soul feels incomplete. I’ve heard all the advice - that grief is something that doesn’t go away, but that “it gets better”. I don’t even think I want to be better. I want to feel this pain forever because it’s real - because you meant that much to me.

You weren’t just my little sister, you were like my first child in so many ways. You were my best friend, and you always said I was yours. What parent wants to lose their child? What brother wants to lose their little sister? Our age gap was big. I was already a teenager when you were born, but it didn’t make us any less close. I just know I don’t want you to be gone.

I’ve spent the last seven months holding on to anything I can of you. I’ve spent countless hours every night archiving any and every scrap you left behind. Voice notes from your phone. YouTube videos you and your friends made. All of your schoolwork and emails. Anything you’ve ever written.

I spent hours poring over old home movies on mini-cassette tapes from the early 00’s and learned to digitize them on my own so they wouldn’t be lost. I even got your old Braille device and learned to pull documents from it. I’m still working on learning how to use it as a sighted person. I even spent countless hours trying to flash my old Razr flip phone, and searched for hours for firmware on shady websites, just on the off chance that there was some low-quality picture of you on it. That was the only thing I failed at. Every single time there is a memory of you I try to capture it on my phone, or write it in my notebook.

I don’t even know why I’m doing this. Part of me knows I can talk to you any time I want - but part of me just wants to write. To create. To put something into the universe and the ether, because that’s where you are now.

So here’s my project. Writings into the cosmic microwave background radiation of the internet. Thinking of you, wherever you are. One sky, one destiny. Another way to hold on.

One of the last songs I shared with you, was from one of your favorite bands, Linkin Park’s “Let You Fade”. The song goes, “Time will test you / I won’t let you fade.” The irony of that isn’t lost on me.

I love you. I miss you.

I don’t want to forget you.

iwontforgetyou.